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Sunday, May 24
recently, i've been bombarding myself with thoughts about who i am as a person and i've been trying to consider things pretty objectively, or at least as best as i could. the first and most obvious thing that i've realised is that i've changed a helluva lot since sec 1. well basically in sec 1, i was this short, dumpy, mugger dude who was way too conscious of the rules and basically did everything he was told by both parents and teachers; almost never submitted work late and tried to do everything right and as best as he could.
now, even tho i ain't particularly tall and all, i have no qualms doing things that ain't right. also i'm in no way any academic superstar. i have no qualms not doing work and submitting shit late. and something that may surprise some of you is that at the start of the year, after orientation and all, i was SERIOUSLY considering going to poly, because i saw no value in the stuff we were doing in school. i saw it as merely trying to achieve a meaningless grade and going after it blindly without really knowing what its purpose was, and is. call me shortsighted or whatever, but i can bet that you would have felt something similar at one point or another. i didn't tell my parents cause i honestly didnt want to know what their reaction would have been to my suggestion of going to poly. so i just stuck it out, hoping that i would find SOME sort of meaning in the process that countless others before me have gone through. at some point this year, a seed of motivation to do well was planted on a monday morning and began to grow promisingly, but has since withered. thoughts of going to poly have resurfaced but i suppose i'll stick it out again.
another change is that the friends i hang out with more often now are different. most of my 4k chihongz have gone to hp and are segregated from the rest of the normal folk and sometimes i wish it were still the old days of the 4kers. anyway, i'm still happy with the people i hang out with cause they're all damn fun people too. but at the end of the day, i still know who my true friends are.
i've also realized that alot of the time, i like to be quiet. sometimes i'm just lazy to talk and just wanna watch the world go by. but when i'm doing something i like, no matter how crazy, i'll be putting everything i've got into it. call it wierd or whatever, but it's just me.
and other than all of that, i've been asking myself about other things, to which i havent yet found an answer or come to a satisfying conclusion.
are the things i'm doing really me?
have i lost touch with some of my friends who used to mean more to me?
what do i really want at this point in time?
what is it that's missing in my life right now?
haha you might think i'm thinking too much. way too much. i think i agree. but as of now, i need to get this sorted, for myself if not for anyone else.
KRC scribbled at 12:28 AM. + + +
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